Monty Python's
Life
of
Brian
Angels' Choir: [Sort of a Chant to the Star of Bethlehem]
Brian: Uhuhlk!
Caspar: Hrmhrm!
Caspar: [Crash]
Mother: Uhooh! Who are you?
Caspar: We are three wise men.
Mother: What?
Melchior: We are three wise men.
Mother: Well, what are you doing creeping under a couch at two o'clock
in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
Balthasar: We are astrologists.
Melchior: We have come from the East.
Mother: Is this some kind of joke?
Caspar: We wish to praise the infant.
Melchior: We must pay a homage to him.
Mother: Homage? You're all drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!
Caspar: No...
Mother: Barge in here with tales about all the ancient fortune-tellers.
Come on, out!
Caspar: No, no, we must see him!
Mother: Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!
Melchior: We...we were led by a star!
Mother: Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!
Melchior: Well, well, we must see him, we have brought presents!
Mother: Out!
Caspar: Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
Mother: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is
a...bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?
Balthasar: It is a valuable balm.
Mother: A balm?! What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!
Balthasar: What?
Mother: That's a dangerous animal! Quick, throw it in the trough!
Melchior: No, it isn't!
Mother: Yes, it is! It's great big uhug...
Caspar: No, no, no, it is an ointment.
Mother: Oh, well, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it?
So you're astrologists, are you? Well, what is he then?
Caspar: Hm?
Mother: What star-sign is he?
Caspar: Ehm...capricorn.
Mother: Ah, capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Caspar: Oh, well, he's the son of God, ah, Messiah.
Melchior: King of the Jews!
Mother: And that's capricorn, is it?
Caspar: Ehm, no, no, no, that's just him!
Mother: Oh, that's good to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. Snhff.
Melchior: By what name are you calling him?
Mother: Uhm, Brian.
All three wise men: We worship you, oh Brian, who are lord over us all.
Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our
father. Amen.
Mother: Do you do a lot of this, then?
Caspar: What?
Mother: This praising.
Caspar: No, no...no, no.
Mother: Oh, well, ehm, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And
thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, ahm, but
don't worry too much about the myrrh the next time, all right? Huh. Thank
you! Goodbye!
Hen: Gdisk!
Mother: Well, were they nice? Hm! Out of their bloody minds, but still,
look at that! Hohoho...hear! Hear! Here, that...that's
mine! Hey! Hey, you could hurt me, hey! Ourrgh!
Angel's Choir: [Chant to Jesus Christ]
Brian: Aiihaih!
Mother: Shut up!
Mother's hand striking Brian: [Smack]
Brian: Aih!
HANDMADE FILMS
presents
MONTY PYTHON'S
STARRING AND WRITTEN BY
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
JOHN CLEESE
TERRY GILLIAM
ERIC IDLE
TERRY JONES
MICHAEL PALIN
WITH
TERENCE BAYLOCK
CAROL CLEVELAND
KENNETH COLLEY
NEIL INNES
CHARLES McKEOLIN
GWEN TAYLOR
JOHN SOUND
SUE JONES-DAVIES
PETER BRETTY
JOHN CASE
CHRIS LANGHAM
CHRIS McLACHLAN
BERNARD McKENNA
AND SPIKE MILLIGAN
PETER BIZIOU
CAMERA OPERATOR: JOHN STAMER
1st ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: JONATHAN BENSON
CONTINUITY: BRENDA LOADER
DUBBING MIXER: HUGH STRAIN
DUBBING EDITOR: JOHN FOSTER
EDITOR
JULIAN DOYLE
SOUND RECORDIST
GARTH MARSHALL
MAKE UP AND HAIRDRESSING
MAGGIE WESTON
ELAINE ----
COSTUME DEPARTMENTS
NICK EDE / BILL PIERCE
SUB CABLE / ZOULEIKHA KTARI
LEILA TURRI
PROPS DEPARTMENTS
PETER GRANT
ARTHUR WICKS
JOHN MARGETTS
GORDON PHILLIPS
GEOFFREY HARTMAN
DARRYL PATTERSON
MAKE UP AND HAIRDRESSING
DEPARTMENTS
SUSAN FREAR / KENTEAS BRINTE
DIANA WEBBER / FATMA LAZIEI
FAOUZIA CHOUEA
ART DEPARTMENTS
ASS. ART DIRECTORS
PRODUCTION BUYERS
JOHN BEARD
PETER DUNLOP
MOHAMMED ----
HASSINE SOUFI
CONSTRUCTION MANAGERS
ROBIN PATTERSON
LOTFI LAYOURNI
SET DRESSER
HASSIN SOUFI
COSTUME DESIGN
HAZEL PETHIG AND CHARLES KNODE
ART DIRECTOR
ROGER CHRISTIAN
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER
TIM HAMPTON
DESIGN AND ANIMATION
TERRY GILLIAM
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
GEORGE HARRISON
AND DENIS O'BRIEN
PRODUCED BY
JOHN GOLDSTONE
DIRECTED BY
TERRY JONES
Female Singer:
Brian, the babe they called Brian,
he grew, he grew, and grew,
grew up to be, grew up to be,
a boy called Brian. A boy called Brian,
he had arms, and legs, and head, and feet,
the boy, whose name was Brian.
Man sleeping on cloud falling: Aaargh!
Female Singer:
And he grew, he grew, grew, and grew,
grew up to be, yes, he grew up to be,
yes, his name was Brian, a teenager called Brian.
And his face became spotty, yes, his face became spotty,
and his voice dropped down low,
and things started to grow, on young Brian and so,
he was certainly no, no girl named Brian,
not a girl named Brian.
And he started to shave, and have one the wrist,
and want to see girls, and go out and get pissed,
a man called Brian, this man called Brian,
the man they called Brian, this man called Briaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Flying Prophet imploding upon contact with the sun: [Bang]
Flying Prophet: Aiiih!
JUDEA A.D. 33
SATURDAY AFTERNOON
ABOUT TEA TIME
Jesus Christ: How blessed are those who know that he's of God. How blessed
are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation.
How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for
their possession. How blessed are those who hunger and
thirst to see right prevail; they shall be satisfied. How blessed are
those whose hearts are pure; they shall see God.
Mother: Speak up!
Brian: Sch, quiet, mum!
Mother: Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning!
Bignose: Ssch!
Brian: You can go to a stoning anytime!
Mother: Ah, come on, Brian!
Bignose: Will you be quiet!
Bignose's Wife: Don't pick your nose!
Bignose: I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.
Bignose's Wife: You was picking it while you was talking to that lady!
Bignose: I wasn't!
Bignose's Wife: Leave it alone! Give it a rest!
Wiseguy: Do you mind, I can't hear a word he's saying.
Bignose's Wife: Don't you "do you mind" me! I was talking to my husband!
Wiseguy: Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else? I can't hear a bloody
thing!
Bignose: Don't you swear at my wife!
Wiseguy: Well, I was only asking her to shut up so that I can hear what
he's saying, Bignose!
Bignose's Wife: Don't you call my husband "Bignose"!
Bignose: Well, he has got a big nose.
Bearded Man: Could you be quiet, please? What was that?
Wiseguy: I don't know, I was too busy talking to Bignose!
Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
Bearded Man's Wife: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Bearded Man: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it
refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
Wiseguy: See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, Bignose.
Bignose: Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!
Wiseguy: Oh, better keep listening, might be a bit about "Blessed are
the Bignoses".
Brian: Oh, lay off him!
Wiseguy: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conkface. Where are you two from?
Nose City?
Wiseguy: One more time, mate, I'll take you to fucking cleaners!
Bignose's Wife: Language! And don't pick your nose!
Bignose: I wasn't going to pick my nose! I'm gonna thump him!
Spectator II: Hear that, blessed are the Greek!
Bearded Man: The Greek?
Spectator II: Hmm. Well, apparently he's going to inherit the earth.
Bearded Man: Did anyone catch his name?
Bignose's Wife: You're not gonna thump anybody!
Bignose: I'll thump him if he calls me "Bignose" again!
Wiseguy: Oh, shut up, Bignose!
Bignose: Ha, right! I warned you! I really will slug you! Saaah...
Bignose's Wife: Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice,
innit? I'm glad they're getting something because they
had a hell of a time.
Wiseguy: Listen, I'm only telling the truth, you have got a very big nose!
Bignose: Hey, your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face
by the time I'm finished with you!
Spectator I & Spectator II: Ssch!
Wiseguy: Well, who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?
Bignose: All right, that's your last warning!
Bearded Man's Wife: Oh, do quiet down!
Bignose hitting Bearded Man's Wife: [Thump]
Bearded Man's Wife: Aiih!
Bignose: Silly bitch, getting in the way!
Bearded Man: Aaargh!
Bignose: Break it up-- oh. Oh!
Mother: Oh, come on, let's go to the stoning!
Brian: All right.
Rogers: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in
the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.
Reg: Yeah, well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's
the meek who're the problem.
Judith: Yes, yes, absolutely Reg, yes, I see!
Mother: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have him stoned before we get there.
Brian: All right.
Bignose: Aaargh!
Bearded Man's Wife: Lay off!
Wiseguy: Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that.
Hey, officer, intervene here.
Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started
it all.
Mother: Ohh, I hate wearing these beards.
Brian: Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum?
Mother: It's written, that's why.
Beard and stone seller: Pssst! Beard, madam?
Woman carrying donkey: Oh, look, I haven't got the time to go to no stonings.
He's not well again.
Donkey: Oink! Oink!
Beard and stone seller: Stone, sir?
Mother: No, they've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.
Beard and stone seller: Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this! Feel the
quality of that, that's craftmanship, sir.
Mother: Hmm...all right, we'll have two with points and...a big flat one.
Brian: Could I have a flat one, mum?
Mother: Ssch!
Brian: Sorry! Dad!
Mother: Ehm...all right, two points, ahm...two flats and a packet of gravel.
Beard and stone seller: Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
Mother: Hm?
Beard and stone seller: Local boy.
Mother: Oh, good.
Beard and stone seller: Enjoy yourselves!
Women disguised as bearded men: [Scream] [Yell]
Bird: Fuiit!
Priest: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath...
Matthias: Do I say yes?
Guard: Yes.
Matthias: Yes!
Priest: ...you have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering
the name of our Lord, and so as a blasphemer...
Women disguised as bearded men: Ooh...
Priest: ...you are to be stoned to death!
Women disguised as bearded men: Aah!
Matthias: Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was:
"That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!".
Women disguised as bearded men: Oooh!
Priest: Blasphemy! He said it again!
Women disguised as bearded men: Yeah! Yes! Yes!
Priest: Did you hear him?!
Women disguised as bearded men: Yeah! Yes! Yes!
Woman: Really!
Priest: Are there any women here today?
Women disguised as bearded men: Uh...ooh...no...
Priest: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...
Rock thrown at Matthias: [Bladonk]
Women disguised as bearded men: Ooh...
Matthias: Oh, lay off! We haven't started yet!
Priest: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on!
Women disguised as bearded men: She did! She did! He did! He did! He did!
Woman: Sorry, I thought we'd started.
Priest: Go to the back!
Woman: Oh, dear...
Priest: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
Matthias: Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah"!
Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih! He did!
Priest: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!
Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!
Priest: I'm warning you! If you say Jehovah once more...
Rock thrown at Priest: [Bladonk]
Priest: Right! Who threw that?
Matthias: Hehehe...
Priest: Come on! Who threw that?
Women disguised as bearded men: She did! She did! She did! Him! Him! Him!
Priest: Was it you?
Woman II: Yes.
Priest: Right...
Woman II: Well, you did say Jehovah!
Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!
Rocks thrown at Woman II: [Multiple Bladonks]
Priest: Stop! Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is
to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you
understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they
do say Jehovah!
Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!
Rocks thrown at Priest: [Multiple Bladonks]
Priest: Aaargh!
Large boulder crushing Priest: [Bladonk]
Woman III: Good shot!
Women disguised as bearded men: [Applause]
Brian: Have I got a big nose, mum?
Mother: Oh, stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Mother: You're always on about it. Morning, noon and night: "Will the
girls like this, will the girls like that? Is it too big, is it
too small?"
Leper I: A fish, sir?
Leper II: Alms for a leper!
Leper III: Alms for a leper!
Ex-leper: Alms for an ex-leper! Bloody donkey-owners, all the same, ain't
they? Never have any change. Oh, here they...
touch! Spare a talent for an old ex-leper!
Mother: Buzz off!
Ex-leper: Spare a talent for an old ex-leper!
Mother: A talent? That's more than he earns in a month!
Ex-leper: Half a talent then?
Mother: No, get away!
Ex-leper: Come on Bignose, let's haggle!
Brian: What?
Ex-leper: All right, cut the haggling, let's say you open at one shekel,
I start at 2000, we close at about 1800.
Brian: No.
Ex-leper: 1750?
Mother: Go away!
Ex-leper: 1740?
Mother: Look, will you leave him alone!
Ex-leper: All right. Two shekels, just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
Mother: Look, he is not giving you any money, so piss off!
Ex-leper: All right sir, my final offer, half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian: Did you say ex-leper?
Ex-leper: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind a bell and proud of
it sir.
Brian: Oh...what happened?
Ex-leper: I was cured, sir.
Brian: Cured?
Ex-leper: Yes, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you!
Brian: Oh, who cured you?
Ex-leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business,
all of a sudden up he comes, cures me. One minute
I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelyhood's gone. Not so much
as a bye your leave! "You're cured, mate". Bloody
do-gooder.
Brian: Tough. Why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper
again?
Ex-leper: Aah, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
Well, what the thing was I was going to ask him if
he'd make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You
know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse,
to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--
Mother: Brian! Come and clean your room out!
Brian: Here you are.
Ex-leper: Thank you, sir. Than...half a dinare for me bloody life story?
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir!
Door being kicked in by Mother: [Bladonk]
Mother: Oh.
Roman Officer: Good afternoon.
Mother: Oh, eh...hello, officer, ehrm...I'll be with you in a few moments,
all right with you?
Brian: What's he doing here?
Mother: Ehm...ah, don't start that Brian, ehm...go and clean your room
out.
Brian: The bloody Romans!
Mother: Now, look Brian! If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this.
And don't you forget it.
Brian: We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.
Mother: Oh, that's not entirely true, is it, Brian?
Brian: What do you mean?
Mother: Well...you know when you were asking me about your...
Brian: My nose?
Mother: Yes, well...there's a reason it's like it is, Brian.
Brian: What is it?
Mother: Oh, well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but...
Brian: What?
Mother: Well, Brian, your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
Brian: I never thought he was!
Mother: Now none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
Brian: You mean...you were raped?!
Mother: Well...at first, yes.
Brian: Who was it?
Mother: Huh...Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm...promised me the known
world, he did. I was to be taken to Rome,
house by the Forums, slaves, asses' milk, as much gold as I could eat.
Then he, having his way with me he had; voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct.
Brian: He's a bastard!
Mother: Yes, and next time you go on about the "bloody Romans", don't
forget you're one of them.
Brian: I'm not a Roman mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a jid, a
heebe, a hooknose! I'm kosher, mum!
I'm a red-sea pedestrian and proud of it!
Brian closing Door: [Bladonk]
Mother: Huh...sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, eh? Hm. Well,
how are you then, officer?
SPQR DIVO AVGVSTO CAESARI
THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM
CHILDREN'S MATINEE
Speaker's Voice: Ladies and gentlemen! The next contest is between: Frank
Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg.
Brian: Ah, right, thank you, madam. Lark's tongues! Wren's livers! Chaffinch
brains! Jaguar's earlobes! Wolf nipple chips!
Get them while they're hot, they're lovely. Dromedary pretzels only half
a denar. Tuscany fried bats!
Judith: I do feel Reg, that any anti-imperialistic group like ours must
reflect such a divergence of interest within its
powerbase.
Reg: Agreed. Rogers?
Rogers: Yes, I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided
the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable
right of every man...
Stan: Or woman.
Rogers: ...or woman to rid himself...
Stan: Or herself.
Rogers: ...or herself...
Reg: Agreed.
Rogers: Thank you, brother.
Stan: Or sister.
Rogers: Or sister...where was I?
Reg: I think you'd finished.
Rogers: Oh. Right.
Reg: Further more, it it the birthright of every man...
Stan: Or woman.
Reg: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan? You're putting us off.
Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Rogers: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan: I want to be one.
Reg: What?
Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.
Reg: What?
Loretta: It's my right as a man.
Judith: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Loretta: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies?!
Loretta: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But...you can't have babies!
Loretta: Don't you opress me!
Reg: I'm not opressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where is the
foetus going to gestate? You're going to keep it in a
box?
Loretta: Sniff.
Judith: Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually
have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's
fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.
Rogers: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right
to have babies, brother. Sister! Sorry.
Reg: What's the point?
Rogers: What?
Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he
can't have babies?
Rogers: It is symbolic of our struggle against opression.
Reg: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Trumpets: [Fanfares]
Audience: [Applause]
Guard: Get out there! Ah, get out there!
Victim: It's dangerous out there! Aah! Aiih! Oh.
Audience: Aah...come on! Ooh... What a load of rubbish.
Brian: Larks' tongues! Otters' noses! Ocelot spleens!
Reg: Got any nuts?
Brian: Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wrens' livers, badger spleens...
Reg: No, no, no...
Brian: Otters' noses?
Reg: I don't want any of that Roman rubbish!
Judith: Why don't you sell proper food?
Brian: Proper food?
Reg: Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit-bits!
Brian: Oh, don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff!
Reg: All right, bag of otters' noses, then.
Rogers: Make it two.
Reg: Two.
Rogers: Thanks, Reg.
Brian: Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: Fuck off!
Brian: What?
Reg: Judean People's Front! We're The People's Front of Judea! Judean
People's Front, Cawk!
Rogers: Wankers...
Brian: Can I...join your group?
Reg: No, piss off!
Brian: I didn't want to sell this stufff, it's only a job! I hate the
Romans as much as anybody!
All in PFJ except Brian: Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch!
Brian: Oh.
Judith: Are you sure?
Brian: Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.
Reg: Listen! If you wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to have really
hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh, yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in. Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans,
are the fucking Judean People's Front.
All in PFJ except Brian: Yeah!
Judith: Splitters!
Rogers: And the Judean Popular People's Front!
All in PFJ except Brian: Yeah! Splitters!
Loretta: And the People's Front of Judea!
All in PFJ except Brian: Yeah! Splitters!
Reg: What?
Loretta: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters!
Reg: We are the People's Front of Judea!
Loretta: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg: People's Front! God...
Rogers: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
Reg: He's over there.
All in PFJ except Brian: Splitter!
Gladiator: Oh, oh...I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest! Ooh...aah!
Roman I: Absolutely dreadful!
Roman II: Huh.
Audience: [Applause]
Reg: Peace, brother! Haha! What's your name?
Brian: Brian. Brian...Cohen.
Reg: We may have a little job for you, Brian.
Centurion: What's this then? Romanes eunt domus? 'People called Romanes
they go the house'
Brian: It...it says: "Romans go home."
Centurion: No, it doesn't.
Brian: Aih.
Centurion: What's Latin for Romans? Come on!
Brian: Aih! Aah! Romanus!
Centurion: Goes like...?
Brian: Annus?
Centurion: Vocative plural of annus is...?
Brian: Anni?
Centurion: Romani...Eunt? What is eunt?
Brian: "Go"! Let...
Centurion: Conjugate the verb "to go"!
Brian: Aah...'Ire', Uh, 'eo', 'is', 'it', 'imus', 'itis', 'eunt'.
Centurion: So 'eunt' is...?
Brian: Aah, ehm...third person plural present indicative. Ehm..."they
go".
Centurion: But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the...?
Brian: Aih! Imperative!
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: Ehm, oh...oh, ehm...'i', 'I'!
Centurion: How many Romans?
Brian: Aah! 'I'...plural, plural! 'Ite' 'Ite'
Centurion: 'Ite'.
Brian: Aah, ah.
Centurion: Domus?
Brian: Eh
Centurion: Nominative?
Brian: Oh
Centurion: "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian: Ehm...ehm...dative sir?
Sword: [Slinskt]
Brian: Aih! Ooh! Not dative, not the dative, sir! Nah, aah! Ooh! The...accusative!
Accusative! Aah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'!
Aah, ooh!
Centurion: Except that domus takes the...?
Brian: Aah! The locative, sir! Aah!
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: Domum! Aah, ah, aah...
Centurion: Domum...um. Understand?
Brian: Yes, sir!
Centurion: Now, write that a hundred times!
Brian: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir!
Centurion: Hail Caesar! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your
balls off.
Brian: Oh, thank you, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar and everything,
sir! Aah. Mmh!
Aah... Finished! Aah.
Roman Soldier: Right. Now, don't do it again!
Man with bag: Hey! Bloody Romans...
Rogers: We get in through the underground heating-system here ,up through
an inamane audience chamber here, and Pilate's
wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that
she is in our custody, and fore with issue our demands.
Any questions?
Revolutionary I: What exactly are the demands?
Reg: We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of
the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
Matthias: Cut her head off?
Rogers: Cut all her bits off! Send them back on the hour, every hour!
Show them we're not to be trifled with.
Reg: And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when
we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to
blackmail.
All revolutionaries except Reg: No blackmail!
Reg: They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had.
And not just from us! From our fathers, and from
our father's fathers.
Loretta: And from our father's father's fathers.
Reg: Yeah.
Loretta: And from our father's father's father's fathers.
Reg: Yeah, all right Stan, Don't labour the point. And what have they
ever given us in return?
Revolutionary I: The aqueduct?
Reg: What?
Revolutionary I: The aqueduct.
Reg: Oh. Yeah, yeah, they did give us that, ah, that's true, yeah.
Revolutionary II: And the sanitation.
Loretta: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to
be like.
Reg: Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation, the
two things the Romans have done.
Matthias: And the roads.
Reg: Oh, yeah, obviously the roads. I mean the roads go without saying,
don't they?
But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads...
Revolutionary III: Irrigation.
Revolutionary I: Medicine.
Revolutionary IV: Education.
Reg: Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.
Revolutionary V: And the wine.
All revolutionaries except Reg: Oh, yeah! Right!
Rogers: Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss Reg, if the Romans
left. Huh.
Revolutionary VI: Public baths.
Loretta: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
Rogers: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it; they're
the only ones who could in a place like this.
All revolutionaries except Reg: Hahaha...all right...
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education,
wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water
system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Revolutionary I: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace! Shut up!
Judith: [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] ... [Knock]
[Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock]
Matthias: I'm a poor man, my sight is sore, my legs are old and bent,
and..
Judith: All right, Matthias.
Matthias: It's all clear.
Judith: Well, where's Reg?
Rogers: Oh, Reg! Reg! Judith!
Reg: What went wrong?
Judith: The first blow has been struck!
Reg: Did he finish the slogan?
Judith: A hundred times! In letters ten foot high, all the way around
the palace!
Reg: Oh, great! Great! We...we need doers in our movement Brian, but...before
you join us, know this: there is not one of us
here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country the Romans
once and for all.
Revolutionary VII: Ehm...well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one. But otherwise we're solid. Are you with
us?
Brian: Yes!
Reg: From now on you shall be called "Brian that is called Brian". Fill
him in about the raid on the Pilate's palace, Francis.
Rogers: Right! This is the plan!
Rogers: Now, this is the palace at Caesar Square. Our commando-unit will
approach from Fish Street under cover of night,
and make our way to the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are
sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg,
our glorious leader and founder of the PFJ, will be co-ordinating the
assailant at the drain head. Though he himself will not
be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back.
Revolutionary VIII: Aren't you going to come with us?
Reg: Solidarity, brother!
Revolutionary VIII: Oh, yes...solidarity, Reg.
Rogers: Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There's a Roman
feast later in the evening, so we must move fast. And
don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus'
Memorial Sewer, and from there proceed
directly to the hypocaust. This has just been retiled, so terrorists:
careful with those weapons! We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habakkuk to get
out his prong.
Habakkuk's Prong: 11*[Konk]
Terrorists' leader: Campaign for Free Galilee!
Rogers: Oh, ehm...People's Front of Judea. Officials.
Terrorists' leader: Oh.
Rogers: What's your group doing here?
Terrorists' leader: We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back,
issue demands.
Rogers: So are we.
Terrorists' leader: What?
Rogers: That's our plan.
Terrorists' leader: We were here first.
Rogers: What do you mean?
Terrorists' leader: We thought of it first.
Loretta: Oh, yeah?
Terrorists' leader: Yeah. It's a couple of years ago.
All revolutionaries: Ohohoh...
Terrorists' leader: We did!
Rogers: Okay, ohkokh, come on. You got all your demands worked out, eh?
Terrorists' leader: Of course we have!
Rogers: What are they?
Terrorists' leader: Well, I'm not telling you!
Rogers: Oh, come on! Tell me another one!
Terrorists' leader: Arghule complaining! We thought of it before you!
Loretta: Did not!
Rogers: You did not!
Terrorists' leader: We did!
Rogers: You did not!
Terrorists' leader: We did!
Rogers: You did not!
Rogers and terrorist leader:
Ssch! Ssch!
Terrorists' leader: You bastards! We've been planning this for months!
Rogers: Well, tough titty for you, fish face! Aoh, ooh! Sorry!
Brian: Ah, ouh! You sly.. Sorry!
Arrgh!
Brian: Brothers, brothers! We should be struggling together!
Rogers: We are! Oh!
Brian: We mustn't fight each other! Surely, we should be united against
the common enemy!
All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: The Judean People's Front?!
Brian: No, no, the Romans!
All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Oh, yeah...yeah. Yes.
Yeah, he's right.
Terrorist I: Look out!
Rogers: Careful!
Terrorists' leader: Right! Where were we?
Rogers: Ehm...you were going to punch him. Aah, eh.
Terrorists' leader: Oh, yeah. Auh, eh.
All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Aouh! Arrgh! [Thump][Thump]
Arrgh...aie!
Brian: Brothers!
Terrorist and revolutionary: Aouh! Ahh, ah, ah...
Blunt Object: [Thump]
Brian: Ouh!
Prisoners: Oah! Ouhoh!
Brian: Aie!
Jailor I: Hehehe!
Brian: Auh!
Jailor I: Huhuhe!
Prisoner: You lucky bastard!
Brian: Who's that?
Prisoner: You lucky, lucky bastard!
Brian: What?
Prisoner: Propper little jailies' pet, aren't we?
Brian: What do you mean?
Prisoner: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
Brian: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
Prisoner: Oh, ohoh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I
sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at
in the face.
Brian: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
Prisoner: Manacles! Ohuuhoh...what idea of heaven; is to be allowed to
be put in manacles, just for a few hours. They must
think the sun shines out your arse, sonny!
Brian: Oh, lay off me, I've had a hard time!
Prisoner: You've had a hard time!? I've been here five years, they only
hung me the right way up yesterday! So don't you
come 'round...
Brian: All right, all right!
Prisoner: They must think you're lord God Almighty.
Brian: What will they do to me?
Prisoner: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian: Crucifixion?!
Prisoner: Yeah. First offense.
Brian: Get away with crucifixion?! It's...
Prisoner: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
Brian: What?
Prisoner: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in
a right bloody mess.
Brian: Guard!
Prisoner: Nail 'em up I say!
Brian: Guard!
Prisoner: Nail some sense into 'em!
Jailor I: Hahrkhm...what do you want?
Brian: I want you to move me to another cell.
Jailor I: Hah! Ptui! [Spit]
Brian: Aehw!
Prisoner: Oh! Look at that! Bloody favouritism!
Jailor I: Shut up, you!
Prisoner: Sorry!
Jailor I: Huah! Huhuhu...
Prisoner: Now take my case. They hang me up here five years ago. Every
night they take me down for twenty minutes, then
they hang me up again. Which I guard as very fair, in view of what I've
done. And if nothing else, it has taught me to respect
the Romans, and it has taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this
life, unless you are prepared to do a fair day's work
for a fair day's...
Brian: Oh, shut up!
Jailor I: Here.
Centurion: Pilate wants to see you!
Brian: Me?
Centurion: Come on!
Brian: Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
Centurion: I think he wants to know which way you want to be crucified.
Prisoner: Oh, hahahaha, haha! Nice one, centurion! Like it, like it.
Centurion: Shut up!
Prisoner: Right, right. Terrific race, the Romans! Terrific.
Pontius Pilate: ...and down to this awea. Aah.
Centurion: Hail Caesar!
Pontius Pilate: Hail!
Centurion: Only one survivor, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Aah. Thwow him to the floor!
Centurion: What, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Thwow him to the floor!
Centurion: Aah.
Brian: Aie!
Pontius Pilate: Hm! Now, what is your name, Jew?
Brian: Brian, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Bwian, eh?
Brian: No, no; Brian.
Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap]
Brian: Aie!
Pontius Pilate: Huhuhuhu...The little wascal has spiwit!
Centurion: Has what, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Spiwit.
Centurion: Yes, he did, sir.
Pontius Pilate: No, no, spiwit! Sort of...bwovado, a touch of dewwing-do.
Centurion: Oh. Ehm...about eleven, sir.
Pontius Pilate: So...you dave to waid us?
Brian: To what, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Stwike him centurion, vewy woughly!
Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap]
Brian: Aih!
Centurion: Oh, and, ehm...throw him to the floor, sir?
Pontius Pilate: What?
Centurion: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
Brian: Aie!
Pontius Pilate: Now, Jewish wapscalion...
Brian: I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!
Pontius Pilate: A Woman?
Brian: No, no; Roman.
Centurions' hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap]
Brian: Aie!
Centurion: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
Brian: He was a centurion, in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
Brian: Naughtius Maximus.
Centurion: Pahaha...
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do you have anyone of that name in the gawison?
Centurion: Well...no, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked?
Centurion: Well, no, sir, ehm...I think it's a joke, sir. Like, ehm, Sillius
Soddus, or...or, Biggus Dickus, sir.
Legionary III: Pffhrpffpfff...
Pontius Pilate: What's, ehm...funny about Biggus Dickus?
Centurion: Well, it's a joked name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.
Legionary III: Pffhrpffpfff...
Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself
in gladiator school vevy quickly, with votten
behaviour like that.
Brian: Can I go now, sir?
Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap]
Brian: Aie! Aou...
Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Legionary III: Pffhrpffpfff...
Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!
Centurion: Oh sir, he ju...
Pontius Pilate: No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within
a week!
Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you!
Legionary III: Oh, hahahaha...hohoho! Hoho...
Pontius Pilate: I will not have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiewy!
Anybody else feel like a little...giggle, when I
mention my friend...Biggus...Dickus?
Legionary IV: Pffhrpffpfff...
Pontius Pilate: And what about you? Do you find it...risible, when I say
the name...Biggus...
Legionary IV: Iik!
Pontius Pilate: ...Dickus?
Legionaries I and II: Pffhrpffpfff...hihihi...
Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called?
She's called...Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.
All legionaries: Pffhrpffpfff...hahaha...
Pontius Pilate: Shut up! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy
webel, sniggewing behaviour! Silence! call
yourselves Pawaetonian guards? Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and
seize him!
Big club: [Bladonk] [Bladonk]
Worker's hand against step: [Donk]
Worker: Hm? Hmm. Fuitt,fuitt...oh, but...
Brian: Aiihhh!
Spaceship catching Brian in mid-air: [Sound of Catching]
Alien I and II: Gcachi?
Alien I: Dzhula grchaba.
Siren: [Emergency Sound]
Alien I: Airchg!
Alien II: Oh.
Alien I: Ah.
Alien II: Schsh.
Alien I: ...
Alien II: Oh, prshtc. Gnom nom.
Alien I: Mtpshtnm.
Spaceship: [Petabladonk]
Astonished Man: Oh, you lucky bastard!
Prophet I: And the bison shall be huge and black, and the eyes still of
red, with the blood of living creatures! And the whore
of Babylon, shall ride forth on a red-headed serpent, and throughout the
land shall be a great rubbing of parts. He and wib...
Prophet II: ...the demon shell carry a nine-bladed sword! Nine-bladed!
Not two, or five, or seven, but nine, which he will
wield on all wretched sinner-sinners, just like you sir, there! And the
horns shall be on the head...
Prophet III: ...through Hebediah, his servants. There shall in that time
be rumours, of things going astray. Ehm...and there
shall be a great confusion as to where things really are. And nobody will
really know where lieth those little things wi...with a
sort of rackey work base, that has an attachment. At this time, a friend
shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not
know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers, that their fathers
put there only just the night before, 'bout eight
o'clock.
Prophet IV: Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril: "That in that time
shall the turds"...
Brian: How much? Quick!
Vendor: What?
Brian: It's for the wife.
Vendor: Oh, ehm...twenty shekels.
Brian: Right.
Vendor: What?
Brian: There you are.
Vendor: Wait a minute!
Brian: What?
Vendor: Well, we're...we're supposed to haggle!
Brian: No, no, no, I've got to get...
Vendor: What do you mean, "No, no, no"?
Brian: I haven't got time, I've got...
Vendor: Well, give it back, then.
Brian: No, no, no, I just paid you!
Vendor: Burt!
Burt: Yeah?
Vendor: This bloke won't haggle!
Burt: Won't haggle?!
Brian: All right, do we have to?
Vendor: Now look: I want twenty for that.
Brian: Ehm...I just gave you twenty.
Vendor: Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
Brian: No.
Vendor: Look at it! Feel the quality, that's not any of you goat!
Brian: All right, I'll give you nineteen then.
Vendor: No, no, no, come on, do it properly!
Brian: What?
Vendor: Haggle properly, this isn't worth nineteen!
Brian: Well, you just said it was worth twenty!
Vendor: Oh dear, oh dear. Come on: haggle!
Brian: Uh, all right, I'll give you ten.
Vendor: That's more like it! Ten? Are you trying to insult me? Me, with
a poor dying grandmother? Ten!?
Brian: All right, I'll give you eleven!
Vendor: Now you're getting it. Eleven!? Did I hear you right? Eleven?
This cost me twelve, you want to ruin me?
Brian: Seventeen?
Vendor: No, no, no, no, "seventeen"!
Brian: Eighteen?
Vendor: No, no, no, you've got to fourteen now.
Brian: All right, I'll give you fourteen.
Vendor: Fourteen!? Are you joking?
Brian: That's what you told me to say!
Vendor: Oh, dear...
Brian: Oh, tell me what to say, please!
Vendor: Offer me fourteen.
Brian: I'll give you fourteen.
Vendor: He's offering me fourteen for this!
Brian: Fifteen!
Vendor: Seventeen. My last word, I won't take a penny less, or strike
me dead.
Brian: Sixteen!
Vendor: Done! Nice to do business with you.
Brian: Mhm.
Vendor: Tell you what: I'll throw you in this as well.
Brian: I don't want it, but thanks.
Vendor: Burt!
Burt: Yeah.
Brian: All right, all right, all right.
Vendor: Now where's the sixteen you owe me?
Brian: I just gave you twenty.
Vendor: Oh yeah, that's right, that's four I-owe-you, then.
Brian: No, that's all right, that's fine, that's fine.
Vendor: No, hang on, I've got it here somewhere.
Brian: No, it's all right, that's four for the gourd.
Vendor: Four? For this gourd? Four!? Look at it! It's worth ten if it's
worth a shekel!
Brian: You just gave it to me for nothing!
Vendor: Yes, but it's worth ten.
Brian: All right, all right!
Vendor: No, no, no, no, it's not worth ten, you're supposed to argue!
"Ten for that, you must be mad!" Oh, well, one born
every minute.
Loretta: Daniel.
Rogers: Job.
Reg: Job.
Loretta: Job.
Rogers: Joshua.
Reg: Joshua.
Loretta: Joshua.
Rogers: Judges.
Reg: Judges.
Loretta: Judges.
Rogers: And Brian.
Reg: And Brian.
Loretta: And Brian.
Reg: I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered
in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.
Loretta: I second that, Reg.
Reg: Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! Let us not be down hearted!
One total catastrophe like this, is just the
beginning! Their glorious deaths to unite us all in a...
Matthias: Look out!
Brian: Hallo! Matthias? Reg?
Table: Go away!
Brian: Huh? Reg! It's me, Brian!
Table: Get off! Get off out of it!
Brian: Stan?
Large cloth: Piss off!
Laundry basket: Yeah, piss off!
Map of Pontius Pilate's Palace: Bugger off!
Door: 17* [Knock]
All revolutionaries except Brian: Oh, shit!
Brian: Ahh?
Matthias: Coming!
Door: 18*[Knock]
Prophet III: Yea, verily at that time, which is written in the Book of
Obadiah, when a man shall strike his donkey, and his
nephew's donkey and i...
Balcony: [Krak][Krak]
Matthias: My eyes are dim, I cannot see...
Centurion: Are you Matthias?
Matthias: Yes.
Centurion: We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,
the member of the terrorist organisation, the
People's Front of Judea.
Matthias: Me? No, I'm just a poor old man, I have no time for law-breakers.
My legs are grey, my ears are gnarled, my eyes are
old and bent...
Centurion: Quiet! Silly person. Guards, search the house!
Guards' feet: 42*[Clamp]
Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring
a known criminal?
Matthias: No.
Centurion: Crucifixion!
Matthias: Oh.
Centurion: Nasty, eh?
Matthias: Hm...could be worse.
Centurion: What do you mean, "Could be worse"?
Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second! Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow,
horrible death.
Matthias: Well, at least you get you out in the open air.
Centurion: You're weird.
Guards' feet: 32*[Clamp]
Decurion: No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir.
Guards' feet: 6*[Clamp]
Centurion: But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
Matthias: Bignose!
Centurion: Watch it!
Matthias: Phew! That was lucky.
Brian: I'm sorry, Reg.
Reg: Oh, it's all right siblings, he's sorry. He's sorry he lead the fifth
legion straight to our official head quarters. Well, that's all
right then, Brian. Sit down! Have a scone! Make yourself at home! You
klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed...
Door: 17*[Knock]
Balcony: [Crack]
Prophet III: ....this great, big, juicy melon behind
Door: [Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock]
Matthias: My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?
Centurion: There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
Guards' feet: 17*[Clamp]
Matthias: I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim, my eyes are poor,
my nose is knackered.
Centurion: Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
Matthias: Crucifixion's a doddle.
Centurion: Don't keep saying that!
Guards' feet: 24*[Clamp]
Decurion: Found this spoon, sir!
Centurion: Well done, sergeant!
Decurion's Feet: [Clamp] [Clamp]
Centurion: We'll be back...oddball.
Door: [Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock]
Centurion: Open up!
Matthias: You haven't given us time to hide!
Balcony: [Crack] [Crumble]
Brian: Aargghhh!
Brian's feet against Prophet III's head: [Thump]
Prophet III falling into pot: Uhuapps! Uhuuarghh!
Pot: [Rumble]
Crowd: [Applause]
All prophets except Brian: And at that time...all sinners...red serpent...men
shall blackburn...fire...
Brian: Don't, ehm...pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged
yourself.
Man in Crowd: What?
Brian: I said: "Don't pass judgement on other people, or else you might
get judged too".
Man in Crowd: Who, me?
Brian: Yes.
Man in Crowd: Oh, oh, thank you very much.
Brian: Well, not just you, all of you!
Gourd man: That's a nice gourd.
Brian: What?
Gourd man: How much do you want for the gourd?
Brian: I don't, you can have it.
Gourd man: Have it?
Brian: Yes. Consider the lilies...
Gourd man: Don't you want to haggle?
Brian: No. ...in the fields...
Gourd man: What's wrong with it, then?
Brian: Nothing, take it!
Woman in Crowd: Consider the lilies?
Brian: Oh, well, the birds, then.
Man in crowd II: What birds?
Brian: Any birds.
Man in crowd II: Why?
Brian: Well, have they got jobs?
Man in crowd III: Who?
Brian: The birds.
Man in crowd II: Have the birds got jobs?!
Man passing by: What's the matter with him?
Man in crowd III: He says the birds are scrounging!
Brian: Oh, no, no, the point is: the birds, they do all right, don't they?
Man passing by: Well, and good luck to them!
Man in crowd II: Yeah, they're very pretty.
Brian: Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what
do you worry about? There you are! See?
Man in crowd II: I'm worrying about what you've got against birds.
Brian: I haven't got anything against the birds! Consider the lilies...
Man in crowd III: He's aiming at going at the flowers now!
Man in crowd II: Oh, give the flowers a chance!
Gourd man: I'll give you one for it.
Brian: It's yours!
Gourd man: Two!
Brian: Ah...look, there was this man, and he had two servants...
Man in crowd III: What were they called?
Brian: What?
Man in crowd III: What were their names?
Brian: I don't know. And he gave them some talents...
Man in crowd II: You don't know?
Brian: Well, it doesn't matter.
Man in crowd II: He doesn't know what they were called!
Brian: Oh, well, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now...
Man in crowd III: Oh, you said you didn't know!
Brian: It really doesn't matter, the point is; there was these two servants...
Man in crowd III: Oh, he's making it up as he goes along!
Brian: No, I'm not! And he gave them some tal...wait a minute, were there
three? Three serv...
Crowd: Oh, oh this is...
Man in crowd II: Oh, this is ridiculous!
Brian: There were three ser...three servants...
Man in crowd II: He's terrible!
Crowd: Oh, buuh!
Man in crowd III: [Ptui!]
Crowd: Aeh!
Man in crowd III: Putrey!
Woman in Crowd: Oh, get off!
Brian: Ooh!
Roman soldiers: 18*[Clamp]
Brian: Ehm...mmbmp oh, now hear this: blessed are they...
Gourd man: Three!
Brian: ...who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their
girth.
Man in crowd II: Rubbish!
Brian: And to them only shall be given...to them only...shall...be...given...
Woman in Crowd: What?
Brian: Hm?
Woman in Crowd: Shall be given what?
Brian: Oh, nothing.
Woman in Crowd: Hey, what were you going to say?
Brian: Nothing!
All Crowd: Yes, you were!
Woman in Crowd: Yes, you were going to say something!
Brian: No, I wasn't, I'd finished!
All the Crowd: Oh, no, no.
Man in crowd III: Ah, come on, tell us before you go!
Brian: I wasn't going to say anything, I'd finished!
Woman in Crowd: Oh, no!
Blind man: What won't he tell?
Man in crowd III: He won't say.
Blind man: It is a secret!
Man in crowd II: I know.
Blind man: Is it?
Man in crowd II: It must be, otherwise he'd tell us.
Man in crowd III: Oh, tell us!
Blind man's stick as blind man gets pushed aside: [Scramble]
Brian: Leave me alone!
Man in crowd IV: What is the secret?
Woman in crowd II: Is it the secret of eternal life?
Man in crowd II: He won't say!
Man in crowd III: Well, of course not, if I knew the secret of eternal
life I wouldn't say.
Brian: Leave me alone!
Woman in crowd II: Just tell me, please!
Man in crowd III: No, tell us, Master, we were here first.
Man in crowd IV: Rubbish!
All Crowd: Tell us, Master!
Gourd man: Five!
Brian: Go away!
Gourd man: I can't go above five.
Woman in crowd II: Is that his gourd?
Gourd man: Yes, his hunger also.
Woman in crowd II: Oh! This is his gourd!
Gourd man: Ten!
Woman in crowd II: It is his gourd! We will carry it for you, Master!
...Master?
Man in crowd IV: He's gone! He's been taken up!
All the crowd, pointing at the sky: Ooh! He's been taken up!
Gourd man, shouting at the sky: Eighteen!
Man in crowd III: No, there he is.
Crowd: Ooh!
Man in crowd V: Look!
Crowd: Oh, ooh!
Man in crowd III: He has given us a sign!
Man in crowd V: He has given us...his shoe!
Man in crowd III: The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example!
Man in crowd IV: What?
Man in crowd III: Let us like him, hold up one shoe and let the other
one be upon our foot, for this is his sign that all who
follow him shall do likewise!
Man in crowd III: No, no, no, the shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes
together in abundance!
Woman in crowd II: Cast off the shoes! Follow the gourd!
Man in crowd V: No, let us gather shoes together! Let me!
Woman in Crowd: Oh, get off!
Man in crowd IV: No, no, it is a sign that like him we must think not
of the things of the body, but of the face and head!
Man in crowd V: Give me your shoe!
Man in crowd IV: Get off!
Woman in crowd II: Follow the gourd, the holy gourd of Jerusalem!
Gourdy part of Crowd: The gourd! The gourd!
Man in crowd VI: Hold up the sandal, like he has demanded us...
Man in crowd III: It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
Man in crowd VI: It's a sandal!
Man in crowd III: No, it is not! It is a shoe!
Woman in crowd II: Cast it away!
Man in crowd III: Put it on!
Man in crowd IV: Now clear off!
Man in crowd V: Take the shoes and follow him!
Woman in crowd II: All thee who follow the gourdie!
Man in crowd VII: Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Let us...let us pray! Yea,
he cometh to us. Like the sea to the grave...
Crowd: Master! Master!
Brian: Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the
river?
Hermit: Mmhmmhmmmh.
Brian: Please, please, help me! I've got to get...
Crowd: Aiih! Quick!
Hermit: Oh, my foot! Oh...
Brian: Ssch!
Hermit: Oh, damned, damned, damned!
Brian: I'm sorry! Ssch!
Hermit: Oh, damned, damned, and blasted!
Brian: I'm sorry! Ssch!
Hermit: Don't you hush me! Eighteen years of total silence, and you hush
me!
Brian: What?
Hermit: I've kept my vow for eighteen years; not a single recognisable
articulate sound has passed my lips.
Brian: Well, I'm sorry, but could you be quiet for just another five minutes?
Hermit: Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself! The times
in the last eighteen years I wanted to...
Brian: Ssch!
Hermit: ...shout and sing, and...
Brian: Ssch!
Hermit: ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! Hava Nagila!
Brian: Ssch!
Hermit: Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila! Hava Nar...mhpfh... Oh, I'm alive! I'm
alive! Hallo birds! Hallo trees! I'm alive! I'm ali
...mphgrph...
Crowd: [Grumble]
Hermit: Stay off! I'm alive! Hava Nagila! Hava Narenden...
Crowd: Master! Master! Master!
Man in crowd V: The Master! He is here!
Crowd: Master! The shoe!
Woman in crowd II: It was the gourd, it was the gourd! Oh, Master...oh,
Master...
Man in crowd III: The shoe has brought us here! Speak...speak to us, Master!
Speak to us!
Brian: Go away!
Crowd: A blessing! A blessing!
Man in crowd III: How shall we go away, Master?
Brian: Oh, just go away and leave me alone.
Man in crowd V: Give us a sign!
Man in crowd III: He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place!
Brian: I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!
Man in crowd V: Oh, it's still a good sign, by any standard.
Man in crowd III: Master, your people have walked many miles to be with
you, they are weary and have not eaten.
Brian: It's not my fault they haven't eaten!
Man in crowd III: There is no food in this high mountain!
Brian: Oh, what about the juniper bushes over there?
Crowd: Oh! A miracle! A miracle!
Man in crowd V: He has made the bush fruitful by his word!
Man in crowd IV: They brought forth juniper berries!
Brian: Of course they brought forth juniper berries; they're juniper bushes,
what do you expect!?
Woman in Crowd: Show us another miracle!
Man in crowd III: Do not tempt him, shallow ones, is not the miracle of
the juniper bushes enough?
Hermit: I say, those are my juniper bushes!
Man in crowd III: They are a gift from God!
Hermit: They're all I've bloody got to eat. Ouf! I say! Get off of those
bushes! Come on! Clear off, the lot of you! Hey!
Man in crowd VI: Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.
Blind man: I'm healed! The Master has healed me!
Brian: I didn't touch him!
Blind man: I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!
Blind man's body as he falls down the edge of the hole: [Bladonk]
Crowd: A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!
Hermit: Tell them to stop it! I hadn't said a word for eighteen years
till he came along!
Crowd: A miracle! He is the Messiah!
Hermit: Well, he hurt my foot!
Crowd: Hurt my foot! Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine!
Man in crowd III: Hail Messiah!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah!
Man in crowd III: I say you are, Lord, and I should know; I've followed
a few!
Crowd: Hail Messiah!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah, would you please listen, I am not the Messiah,
do you understand? Honestly!
Woman in crowd II: Only the true Messiah denies his divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I
am the Messiah!
Crowd: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, fuck off!
Crowd: [Silence]
Man in crowd III: How shall we fuck off, oh Lord?
Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!
Hermit: You told these people to eat my juniper berries! You break my
bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then
you try and clean up on my juniper bushes!
Brian: Arh, lay off!
Man in crowd III: This is the Messiah, the chosen one!
Hermit: No, he's not.
Brian: Ak!
Man in crowd III: An unbeliever!
Crowd: An unbeliever!
Man in crowd III: Persecute, kill the heretic!
Crowd: Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Man in crowd III: Kill! Kill!
Brian: No, leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Put him
down! Please!
Judith: Brian?
Brian: Judith?
Man imitating rooster: Cock-di-diddle-hoo!
Crowd: Look! There he is! The chosen one has woken!
Window flaps as Brian closes them as fast as he can: [Bladonk]
Mother: Brian!
Door: [Knock] [Knock] [Knock]
Mother: Brian!
Door: [Knock] [Knock] [Knock]
Brian: Ooh! Haai! Mmh! Haa! huh...
Mother: Brian!
Brian: Ha...hang on, mother!
Door: [Crash]
Brian: Hallo, mother!
Mother: Don't you "Hallo, mother" me! What are all those people doing
out there?
Brian: Oh, oh, well, I...
Mother: Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?
Brian: Ehm, I think they must have popped by, or something.
Mother: Popped by?! Swarmed by, more like. There's a multitude out there!
Brian: Mmm...they...they started following me yesterday.
Mother: Well, they can stop following you right now! Now, stop following
my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Mother: The who?
Crowd: The Messiah!
Mother: There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah.
Now, go away!
Crowd: Brian! Brian!
Mother: Right, my lad! What have you been up to?
Brian: Nothing, mum.
Mother: Come on! Out with it!
Brian: Oh, they...they think I'm the Messiah, mum.
Mother's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap]
Brian: Aiih!
Mother: What have you been telling them?
Brian: Nothing, I only...
Mother: You're only making it worse for yourself.
Brian: Look, I can explain...
Mother's hand: [Slap]
Brian: Aih!
Judith: Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! Your son is a born leader! Those people
out there are following him because they believe
in him, Mrs Cohen! They believe he can give them hope, hope of a new life,
a new world, a better future!
Mother: Who's that!?
Brian: Oih! That's...Judith, Mum. Judith...mother.
Mother's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap]
Brian: Aih!
Mother: Ooohr...
Crowd: Brian! Brian! Show us the Messiah!
Mother: Now you listen here! He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty
boy! Now go away!
Crowd: Who are you?
Mother: I'm his mother, that's who!
Crowd: Behold his mother! Behold his mother! Praise unto thee, Mother
of Brian! Blessed art thou! Hosianna! All
things to thee, now and always!
Mother: Ah, now don't think you can get around me like that! He's not
coming out, and that's my final word! Now, shove off!
Crowd: No!
Mother: Did you hear what I said?
Crowd: Yes!
Mother: Oh, I see. Like that, is it?
Crowd: Yes!
Mother: Oh, oh, all right then, you can see him for one minute, but not
one second more! Do you understand?
Crowd: Yes...
Mother: Promise?
Crowd: Well...all right.
Mother: All right, here he is then. Come on, Brian, come and talk to them.
Brian: But Mom...Judith...
Mother: Ah, leave that Welsh tart alone!
Brian: I don't really want to, mum...
Crowd: [Excstatic Greetings]
Brian: Good morning!
Crowd: A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!
Brian: Oh, please, please, please, listen! I've got one or two things
to say.
Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me! You
don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for
yourselves! You're all individuals!
Crowd: Yes, we're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Homogenous Man: I'm not.
Crowd: [Multiple Silencing Sounds]
Brian: You all got to work it out for yourselves!
Crowd: Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves!
Brian: Exactly!
Crowd: Tell us more!
Brian: No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise...aooh!
No!
Mother: That's enough! That's enough!
Crowd: Ooooh...that wasn't a minute!
Mother: Oh, yes, it was!
Crowd: Oh, no, it wasn't!
Mother: Now stop that, and go away!
Indiscrete Man: Excuse me?
Mother: Yes?
Indiscrete Man: Are you a virgin?
Mother: I beg your pardon?
Indiscrete man: Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
Mother: "If it's not a personal question"?! How much more personal can
you get? Now, piss off!
Youth: She is.
Crowd: Yes...yeah...must be. She is Definitely. Ooh!
Reg: Morning, saviour!
Crowd: [Sounds of Plea]
Woman: Lay your hands on me! Quick!
Rogers: Now don't jostle The Chosen One! Please!
Reg: Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face! He'll touch it later!
Baby: Bihuh!
Bearded Man: I say, I say, could he just see my wife? She has a headache.
Reg: You'll have to wait, I'm afraid!
Bearded Man: Its very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment!
Reg: Look, the lepers are queuing!
Bearded Man: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath, you know.
Reg: Ehm...Brian, can I introduce you to the gentlemen who's letting us
have the Mounts on Sunday.
Papadopoulos: Hallo.
Reg: Don't push!
Brian closing Door: [Bladonk]
Reg: Now keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and
keep them under control a bit! Couldn't you?
Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Uhm, women taken
in sin line up against that wall, will you?
Judith: Brian, Brian! You were fantastic!
Brian: You weren't so bad yourself.
Judith: No, what you said just now! Quite extraordinary!
Brian: What? Oh, that. Was it?
Judith: We don't need any leaders! You're so right! Reg has been dominating
us for too long.
Brian: Well, yes...
Judith: It needed saying, and you said it, Brian!
Brian: You're very attractive...
Judith: It's our revolution! We can all do it together!
Brian: Can we? I think...
Judith: We're all behind you, Brian! The revolution is in your hands!
Brian: What? No, that's not what I meant at all!
Centurion: You're fucking nicked, me old beauty! Right!
Judith's hands slapping Centurion: [Multiple Slaps]
Centurion: Stop it!
Soldier kicking Brian's head: [Bladonk]
Brian: Aih!
Pontius Pilate: Well, Bwian, you've given us a good un for ouw money.
Brian: A what?
Soldier kicking Brian: [Bladonk]
Brian: Oah!
Pontius Pilate: At this time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard!
Do we have any cwucifixions today?
Guard: 139, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Right! Now we have 140! Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?
Biggus Dickus: Hrmhm.
Centurion: Hail Caesar!
Pontius Pilate: Hail!
Centurion: The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir! Permission
to disperse them, please!
Pontius Pilate: Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet!
Centurion: Ah, no, I know, sir, but...
Pontius Pilate: My addwess is one of the high-points of the Passover!
My fwend Biggus Dickus has come all the way from
Wome just to hear it!
Centurion: Hail Caesar!
Biggus Dickus: Hail Thaethar!
Centurion: You're not...uh, you're not, ehm... thinking of giving it a
miss this year, then, sir?
Pontius Pilate: Give it a miss!?
Centurion: Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today,
sir.
Pontius Pilate: Really, Centurion! I'm surpwised to hear a man like you
, wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.
Centurion: A bit thundery, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Take him away!
Brian: Ah, no! I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly!
Pontius Pilate: And cwucify him well! Biggus!
Centurion: I-I, I really wouldn't, sir!
Pontius Pilate: Out of the way, centurion!
Biggus Dickus: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithstance
if there ith a thudden crithith!
Reg: Right! Now, item four: Attainment of world supremacy within the next
five years. Ah, Francis, you've been doing some
work on this?
Rogers: Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five
years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman
Empire within the next twelve months!
Reg: Twelve months?
Rogers: Yeah, twelve months. And let's face it, as empires go, this is
the big one. So we gotta get up of our arses and stop just
talking about it!
All in PFJ: Yeah! Yeah! Hear!
Loretta: I agree! It's action that counts, not words, and we need action
now!
All in PFJ: Yeah! Yeah!
Reg: You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing
resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not to ship one
Roman soldier!
Francis: So let's just stop gabbing on about it! It's completely pointless,
and it's getting us nowhere!
All: Right!
Loretta: I agree! This is a complete waste of time!
Door: [Sound of Opening]
Judith: They've arrested Brian!
All: What? What?
Judith: They dragged him off! They're gonna crucify him!
Reg: Right! This calls for immediate discussion!
Judith: What?
Sibling: Immediate!
Sibling II: Right!
Loretta: New motion?
Reg: Completely new motion! Uh, that, uh, that there be, uh, immediate
action...
Francis: ...uh, once the vote has been taken.
Reg: Well, obviously once the vote has been taken resolution the oh ----
resolution!
Judith: Reg, let's go now, please!
Reg: Right, right!In the - in the light of fresh information from sibling
Judith...
Loretta: Ehm...not so fast, Reg.
Judith: Reg, for God's sake! It's perfectly simple! All you've gotta do
is to go out of that door now and try to stop the
Romans nailing him up! It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening,
Reg! Can't you understand? Oooh!
Door: [Sound of Closing]
Reg: Yeah, hello. Another little ego trip from the feminists...
Rogers: Hrm.
Loretta: What?
Francis: [Whistle]
Reg: Oh, sorry, Loretta. Uh, read that back, would, you?
Crucifixion Supervisor: Next! Crucifixion?
Prisoner I: Yes.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross
each. Next! Crucifixion?
Prisoner II: Yes.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross
each. Next! Crucifixion?
Wiseguy: Uh, no, freedom.
Jailor I: Uhm?
Crucifixion Supervisor: What?
Wiseguy: Uh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything. so I could
go free and live on an island somewhere.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh, oh, that's jolly good: Well, off you go, then.
Wiseguy: No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh, oh, I see, very good, very good. Well, out
of the door...
Wiseguy: Yeah, I know the way, out of the door, one cross each, line on
the left.
Crucifixion Supervisor: ...line on the left, yes, thank you. Crucifixion?
Prisoner IV: Yes.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Good.
Trumpets: [Fanfare]
Pontius Pilate: People of Jerwusalem! Wome is your fwend!
Jewish Crowd: [Laughter]
Pontius Pilate: To prove our friendship it is customary at this time to
welease a wongdoer from our pwisons.
Jewish Crowd: [Laughter]
Guard: [Giggle]
Pontius Pilate: Whom would you have me welease?
Man: Release Woger!
Jewish Crowd: Yeah! Release Woger! Release Woger! [Laughter]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well, I shall welease Woger!
Jewish Crowd: Yeah!
Centurion: Sir, uh, we don't have a Roger, sir.
Pontius Pilate: What?
Centurion: Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Ah. We have no Woger!
Crowd: Aah...
Man: But what about Wodewick, then?
Jewish Crowd: Yeah! Release Wodewick! Release Wodewick! [Laughter]
Pontius Pilate: Centurion, why do they...titter so?
Centurion: Just some, ehm...Jewish joke, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Are they...wagging me?
Centurion: Oh, no, sir!
Guard: [Giggle]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well, I shall release Wodewick!
Jewish Crowd: [Laughter]
Centurion: Sir, we don't have a Roderick either.
Pontius Pilate: No Woger, no Wodewick?
Centurion: Sorry, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Who is this Wod...who is this Wodewick to whom you refer?
Man: He is a wobber!
Jewish Crowd: [Laughter]
Man II: And a wapist!
Jewish Crowd: [Laughter]
Woman: And a pickpocket!
Jewish Crowd: No, no!
Pontius Pilate: He sounds a notorious criminal.
Centurion: We haven't got him, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Do we have anyone in our prisons at all?
Centurion: Oh, yes, sir! We've got a Samson, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Samson?
Centurion: Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir, uh, Silas the Syrian Assassin,
uh several seditious scribes from Ceasarea, uh,
sixty-seven seers from--
Biggus Dickus: Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth!
Centurion: Oh, no!
Pontius Pilate: Uh, good idea, Biggus!
Biggus Dickus: Thitizens! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtranglerr,
Thiluth the Athyrian Athassin, several theditiouth
thcribth from Theatharea...
Crucifixion Supervisor: Next! Crucifixion?
Prisoner V: Yes.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross
each. Jailor!
Brian: Excuse me, there seems to have been some sort of mistake...
Crucifixion Supervisor: Just a moment, would you? Jailor! Ehm...how many
have come through?
Jailor I: What?
Crucifixion Supervisor: Ehm...how many have come through?
Jailor I: What?
Jailor II: Ehm...You will have to s-speak...s-sp-spea...s-s-s-s-sp-p-p-p-p-speak-speak
up a bit sir, ehm...he's-he's-he's-he's-
he's-he's-he's-d-d-d-he's d-he's...
Crucifixion Supervisor: Ah.
Jailor II: No, he's-he's-he's
Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head: [Smack]
Jailor II: he's d-deaf he's deaf as a p-p-p-post, sir.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Ah. Ehm...eh...How many have come through?
Jailor I: Hhh...hihihihihihihihihi...
Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh dear.
Jailor I: Haheh...
Jailor II: I make it ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninety-six,
sir.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life,
isn't it?
Jailor I: Nnnnnnno, sir! N-no-not with these bo...bastards, sir! Cu-cu-cruuu-c-c-cru-ughugh-c-c-c-crucifixion's
too good for
'em, sir.
Crucifixion Supervisor: I don't think you could say it's too good for
them, it's...it's very nasty!
Jailor I: Oh, it's not as nn...nnnn...nnn...no...no...noo...not as nasty
as something I just thought of, sir.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Yes.
Brian: Hm?
Crucifixion Supervisor: Ehm...now...ehm...crucifixion, is it?
Brian: Is there someone I could speak to?
Crucifixion Supervisor: Well...
Jailor I: I know where to get it, if you want it.
Crucifixion Supervisor: What?!
Jailor II: Ehm...d-don't don't worry about hi-him, sir. Heee's dee...he's
dee...
Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head: [Smack]
Jailor II: ...he's de...he's de...he's de-de-de...
Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head: [Smack]
Jailor II: ...he's deaf and mmmmmmad, sir.
Jailor I: Mhrmhrm.
Crucifixion Supervisor: Well, how did he get the job?
Jailor II: B-bloody Pilate pet, sir!
Jailor I: Huhurhm...
Wiseguy: Get a move on, Bignose! There's people waiting to be crucified
out here! Hahahahahahaha!
Brian: Can I get a lawyer or someone?
Crucifixion Supervisor: Ehm...d-do you have a lawyer?
Brian: No, but I'm a Roman.
Wiseguy: How about a retrial? We've got plenty of time.
Guard: Shut up, you!
Wiseguy: Miserable bloody Romans! No sense of humour. Ouh!
Crucifixion Supervisor: I'm sorry, bit of a hurry. Can you go straight
out, line on the left, one cross each. Now...
Jewish Crowd: [Immense Laughter]
Biggus Dickus: Was it thomething I thaid?
Pontius Pilate: Silence! This man commands a cwack legion!
Jewish Crowd: Quack! [Laughter]
Pontius Pilate: He wanks as high as any in Wome!
Jewish Crowd: [Laughter]
Crucifixion Supervisor: Hrmhrm. Crucifixion party! Morning. Now, we will
be on show as we go through the town, so let's
not let the sight down! Keep in a good straight line, three lengths between
you and the man in front, and a good steady pace.
Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against
the crossbeam...
Prisoner IV: Oouuh...
Crucifixion Supervisor: ...you'll be there in no time. Heh... All right,
Centurion!
Fat Centurion: Crucifixion party! Wait for it...Crucifixion party! By
the left! Forward!
Crucifixion Party: [Moan] [Groan]
Prisoner, hanging up-side-down in a cell: You lucky bastards! You lucky
jabby bastards!
Prisoner IV: [Groan] [Moan]
Samson: Let me shoulder your burden, brother!
Prisoner IV: Oh. Thank you.
Samson: Uh...ah...hey! Hey!
Fat Centurion: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Samson: Ehm...it's...it's not my cross...
Fat Centurion: Shut up and get on with it! Come on!
Wiseguy: Hahahahahahahahahaha! He had you there mate, did he? That would
teach you a lesson! Hohohohoho!
Pontius Pilate: All wight! I will give you one more chance! This time
I want to hear no Wuben, no Weginalds, no Wudolf the
wed-nosed Weindeers...
Biggus Dickus: No Thpenther Trathys!
Pontius Pilate: ...or we shall welease no one!
Judith: Release Brian!
Man in Jewish Crowd: Oh, yeah, that's a good one!
Another man in Jewish Crowd: Yeah.
Jewish Crowd: Welease Bwian! Welease Bwian! [Laughter]
Pontius Pilate: Very well! That's it!
Centurion: Sir, we...we have got a Brian, sir.
Pontius Pilate: What?
Centurion: Ehm...you just sent him for crucifixion, sir!
Pontius Pilate: Eh...ehm...wait! Wait! We do have a Bwian. Well, go away
and free him, straight away!
Centurion: Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Very well. I shall welease Bwian!
Fat Centurion: Get a move on, there!
Wiseguy: Or what?
Fat Centurion: Or you'll be in trouble!
Wiseguy: Oh, dear. You mean I won't have to give up being crucified in
the afternoons?
Fat Centurion: Shut up!
Wiseguy: That would be a blow, wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to
do!
Fat Centurion's hand against Wiseguy's shoulder: [Bladonk]
Wiseguy: Oh, thank you!
Door as it slams against the wall whilst being opened by Centurion: [Bladonk]
Centurion: Are they gone?
Jailor I: We...we've got lumps of it 'round the ba...ck.
Centurion: What?
Jailor II: Oh, don't worry about him sir, he's ma...he's mm...he's ma...he-he-he's
mm...mm...he's mm...he's mm...
Jailor II's foot against the floor: [Stamp]
Jailor II: He's mad, sir.
Centurion: Have they gone?!
Jailor II: Oh, yeah...nnnn...ehm...nn...nna...nnaa...
Jailor I: Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh...
Jailor II: ...nnaa...nnnnaa...nnna...nnna...nna...nna...nnna...nnnn...nnn...nnnn...
Centurion: Oh, come on!
Jailor II: Nnnnn...yes, sir.
Jailor I: Huhuh...huhuh...
Jailor II: Anyway, get on with the story.
Jailor I: Well, I never really liked them, so I just...
Reg: Right! That's the motion to get on with it past with but one abstention.
And I propose that we go without further ado.
May I have a second there for...?
Rogers: Yes, let's go.
Reg: Yeah. All right.
Centurion: Go away!
Man getting pushed in the face by the Centurion: Ouf! Bloody Romans!
Centurion: Watch it! Still a few crosses left!
Fat Centurion: Up you go, Bignose!
Bignose: Oh, I'll get you for this, you bastard!
Fat Centurion: Oh, yeah!
Bignose: Oh yeah, don't worry. I never forget a face.
Fat Centurion: No!
Bignose: I warn you. I'm gonna punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Fat Centurion: Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Bignose: Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan!
Bearded Man: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section!
Fat Centurion: It doesn't matter! You're all gonna die in a day or two!
Bearded Man: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters
to us. Doesn't it, darling?
Bearded Man's Wife: Oh, rather!
Bearded Man: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy we're entitled to
be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
Crucified man I: Pharisees separate from Sadduces!
Crucified Man II: And Swedish separate and Welsh!
Crucifixion Party: Yeah, right, yeah!
Fat Centurion: All right, all right, all right, we'll soon settle this!
'Ands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here!
Crucifixion Party: Ugh! |
Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome
athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.